PRETTY SECRET

Hi.  I don't know how to say it.  But sometimes when I thinking about it.  I really feel like a clown.  Haha...  Yes, joke on me.  Laugh at me for being a clown for months.  I still crying often.  But I didn't show it to anyone at all.  While people around me or even before pick up a call, I will wipe my tears.  I will talk and smile like I never cried before.  Not moving on?  It is not about moving on or not moving on.  But to tell the truth, it is still painful for me.  I do forgive.  But forget things, that's hard.  I think anyone who ever been in the same thing, they will say the same.  It is painful. Really painful.  I need time.  And I hope time will heal me. 

  I've listen this song so many times these few days.  And while listen to it I can't stop crying, like literally sobbing.  I can't really say what in my heart.  And even if I say it out loud, no one will understand.  But I believe God know my heart.  So though I can't say anything to human but I said everything to God in my pray.  My God is great.  He will heal my wound. I will never stop praying.  I will never stop believe in God. 

It is almost a month since everything.  Little by little I'm trying to moving forward.  It would be a lie if I said I'm fine and back to normal now.  Everyday....  Yes, everyday I still woke up with heart beating fast.  I can't sleep past 5 am.  When, everyone who know me totally know if I love sleep.  I making a lot of progress.  At least now I can fall asleep at night without overthink about everything.  And I can eat 2 times a day in normal portion.  Can't eat 3 times yet, but such a progress right?  I miss me.  I miss my normal self.  I miss me who not overthink about everything and be chill.  What happened is giving me wound.  My heart is wounded.  And I need time.  I need time to heal.  I need time to be normal again.  Everyday I pray and pray and pray to be stronger.  And I believe, Jesus will give me strength to get through it.  What make it hard to moving on is when I still seeing stuff.  That stuff sometimes make me angry.  I mean, can you just shut up.  Your

I‘m still not 100% ok. Everyday, I still woke up with my heart beating so fast. But I am getting better. At least now I‘m sleep better, eating better and not crying every night anymore. To be honest, trying to moving on from this, is very hard. Every day I still have so many up and down. There‘s a day that I will crying after seeing stuff. And there‘s a day that I feel strong even if I seeing stuff. But now everything seems calmer. I hope this situation will remain calm like this. I wish, I really wish I can be openly talk what happened. But I cant. I wish I can tell people how hurt I am. How painful it is. How everyday I still have the nightmare. And I cant said anything to nobody. I am trying to deal with it. I‘m lucky that I have this blog so I can at least write here. Because this is the only place where I can be more honest with my feeling. All other social media that I own, too many eyes. I have my friends and families there. And I cant really said anything about this. So if you

Today writing here while having fever.  I'm just feeling super tired.  Not slept well. Not eat well.  I just want to rest now.  After awhile, finally can get a decent nap.  Maybe this fever coming to me from God as a way to make me resting.  So now, I will nap again.  Been napped for 3 hours today.  Such a record.  Because since last week I am basically can't slept, can't eat.  Too much stress.  And also because crying a lot la, so that's why double tired.  Let me resting today.  Freeing my mind from anything.  And just focus on my health. 

I'm still not 100% ok.  Everyday, there is something new that I find.  The more I find it, the more I feel my heart is bleeding.  But lips tight.  I'm not saying anything anymore.  I promise to just moving on.  I forgive.  But to forget is very hard.  I wish I just can close my eyes and forget things. But then I find, even in my dream it is haunted me.  Like I can't really run from it.  I'm hiding it from everyone around me.  No one really know if I'm in pieces.  I pretend like I'm ok.  But every night, I still cry.  Sometimes I feel angry.  Whenever I see that person start post sad things.  I feel really angry.  But then I realize, I can't control people feeling.  And I also realize, it is indeed painful for that person too.  It is just, you don't know how painful it is for me.  Like I said before...  It is running deep in me already.  I walk on this far away.  Far away more than what you imagine.  Like if you are me, I don't even think if you can h