Am I still attractive?

 

Hi everyone. 

I think nowadays, I rarely put my picture on my blog. 

Actually, I barely take any picture unless I'm shoot video. 

To be honest, I'm getting through something really hard now. 

But I can't put the details on what actually happened. 

I can't really describe my feeling. 

I definitely sad and disappointed. A lot. 

Don't ask how often I cried. 

I cried almost all the time. 

Whenever it is popping up on my head. 

It is not that I deliberately trying too keep torturing myself. 

But it is just pop up all the time. 

Especially when my surrounding is quiet. 

I questioning a lot of things. 

I try to find, where I got wrong. 

But in the end the answer still the same, I didn't do anything wrong. 

Then I start questioning my self. 

Is it because I'm getting old now? 

Or maybe because I'm no longer attractive now? 

Sometimes I feel like I'm so pathetic. 

Night time is very hard. 

I can't fall asleep. 

And even if I fall asleep, I will suddenly woke up in the middle of the night. 

Heart beating fast, things are flashing back on my mind. 

Then I will start crying. and crying. and crying more. 

It is not that I'm not forgive it yet. 

I forgive all the things that happened. 

And we work hard to fixing things. 

It is just, my heart wounded. 

I try to healing it. 

Watching sermon with wounded heart topic. 

Listening to worship songs. 

I pray too. 

Whenever the flashback pop up, I praying. 

Praying so that I get stronger heart. 

Praying so that I got peaceful heart. 

I got the answer already. 

I need to forgive. 

And no need to be afraid. 

I know God is molding me now. 

This is process for me being a better person. 

Not easy. 

But I know, God will never leave me alone. 

Don't asking how many times, I cried silently while praying. 

Or how many times, I cried while listen & sing worship song. 

I'm weak. 

But God will hold my hand and give me strength to pass this. 

Again, can't make any good post at blog. 

Mentally, I just cant. 

And physically, I do looks like a zombie. 

Sleep so little, eat so little. 

If any of you stumble across this blogpost. 

I humbly asking you to pray for me. 

Praying so my problem will pass soon. 

Thank you.