My Mood Tracker Freak Me Out

Hi, 

Like you all know, I have trackers on my bujo. 

I track my skincare, my vitamins, my mood, my sleep. 

And I'm actually a bit freak out now. 

I mean, even if I didn't really express or showing it to people but my mood tracker is really bad. 

Look at that. 

We are just in first week of january but my mood tracker look that bad. 

To make you understand how to read it. 

Green = Happy

Orange = Flat (Not Happy but Not Sad either) 

Yellow = Sad

And as you see in 7 days only, 5 of it in yellow color. 

That's really make me scared. 

Did something wrong happen with me? 

Or I just being a drama queen that sad for almost every day? 

One of the reason why I quit my job also because of this. 

Because I feel sad almost every day and of course I don't want people see it, in the end it is affecting me at work. 

I didn't really feel like 100%.

If you really want to know, all day I just want to be on my bed and sleep. 

Which is not really happening too because almost every day I sleep less than 8 hours. 

I'm not feeling bored at home. 

I just back constantly feeling sad whenever I start feeling good. 

By now I think it's really clear on why it is happen. 

But things surrounding me make me non stop thinking about it. 

Just like, suddenly I found out someone that I thought would never married just get married last November. 

And it shocking me to the core that I'm officially the only one left out. 

Or

That it will always be a friend kids birthday party happening. 

Which I didn't really feel want to come because it is giving me so much sadness and make me feel down more. 

Because it remind me on my own situation. 

But in the other side, I also feel bad to not really feel happy for others. 

Just because I don't have it. 

Which definitely make me look and sound very shallow. 

I tried to not thinking to much. 

But really, everytime I feeling better there will be some news around that make me down again. 

Lately I feel like I have no value. 

I really don't have anything. 

I don't even have my confident. 

And to be honest, I don't really want to meet people that I know outside. 

I wish 2022 will be nicer to me. 

As I cried too much around the end of 2021.

But well, maybe not yet. 

Maybe God still giving me test. 

Testing my patience, testing my faith. 

I pray and I believe. 

If one day, even if I don't know when. 

But one day, everything will turning good for me. 

And I will smiling wide again, like I used too. 

One day. 

I believe, one day it will come. 

My turn for happiness, that I really longing for.