Distraction

Hello everyone, 

I'm sorry, I still cant write about make up or anything else. 

I'm still feeling unwell mentally. 

Everyday no matter what I do, it is all just to distract me from my sadness. 

Like all I do daily now just to keep my mind occupied so I can be more normal. 

But inside, I'm still very sad. 

I still cry and sobs every night before I sleep. 

I still woke up in the middle of my sleep and cried. 

Don't ask me, why am I unhappy. 

I wish I can be happy again. 

I miss the happy me too. 

But I really feel miserable. 

No matter how much I tried to explain it. 

I don't think I can make people understand how miserable I am. 

December almost end. 

Next year I will be 34 y.o.

I'm very anxious. 

Now I'm on my middle 30's.

But things that I really want seems still so far away. 

Cant even see it happen anytime soon. 

When I really wish it will be happen soon. 

I know crying wont help. 

I know being sad wont help. 

But I cant help my self for not being sad. 

I cant help my self for not cry. 

As all I can do just cry and cry and cry and cry and cry some more. 

I tried to be positive but it is really hard. 

When things doesn't seems very positive, it is hard to keep yourself in positive vibes. 

Everyday I pray in tears. 

Wishing God will pity me and make my dreams come true. 

Wishing that I finally can really smile and be happy. 

But I also need to accept. 

It cant be just me who excited for it. 

It cant be just me who wish it happen soon. 

It cant be just me who really want it. 

It cant be just me trying to make it happen. 

Sigh, even for writing this blogpost I cant hold my tears. 

In the end, it will be just be feeling miserable. 

Old and miserable. 

Haha. Shame on me. 

Shame on me, wanting something by my self. 

When that thing, can be done only by my self.