PRETTY SECRET

I'm not really feeling well tonight.  I just feel... If only I am a Fun person.  If only I am feminine woman.  If only I am pretty.  But I know I'm just an ordinary woman.  I don't really have anything to be proud of.  I am not fun.  I'm not a person who would do bungee jumping or will enjoy fishing.  Or travel a lot and can brag that I am already finish visiting all place at Indonesia.  I am also not feminine.  I'm not really speak in a soft manner.  I'm not being talking sweetly to guys.  I'm not even entertaining guys that trying to talk to me.  And I know if I'm not pretty.  This one no need to say out loud, I already know it.  In simple words,  I am well aware if I am boring and ordinary.  I don't have things to brag or proud of.  I am still in up and down.  But I get better.  Nowadays I just cried while I pray.  Everytime I pray, can't help to not cried.  I still praying for peaceful heart.  I still praying asking for strength.  I also aski

Hi.  I don't know how to say it.  But sometimes when I thinking about it.  I really feel like a clown.  Haha...  Yes, joke on me.  Laugh at me for being a clown for months.  I still crying often.  But I didn't show it to anyone at all.  While people around me or even before pick up a call, I will wipe my tears.  I will talk and smile like I never cried before.  Not moving on?  It is not about moving on or not moving on.  But to tell the truth, it is still painful for me.  I do forgive.  But forget things, that's hard.  I think anyone who ever been in the same thing, they will say the same.  It is painful. Really painful.  I need time.  And I hope time will heal me. 

  I've listen this song so many times these few days.  And while listen to it I can't stop crying, like literally sobbing.  I can't really say what in my heart.  And even if I say it out loud, no one will understand.  But I believe God know my heart.  So though I can't say anything to human but I said everything to God in my pray.  My God is great.  He will heal my wound. I will never stop praying.  I will never stop believe in God. 

It is almost a month since everything.  Little by little I'm trying to moving forward.  It would be a lie if I said I'm fine and back to normal now.  Everyday....  Yes, everyday I still woke up with heart beating fast.  I can't sleep past 5 am.  When, everyone who know me totally know if I love sleep.  I making a lot of progress.  At least now I can fall asleep at night without overthink about everything.  And I can eat 2 times a day in normal portion.  Can't eat 3 times yet, but such a progress right?  I miss me.  I miss my normal self.  I miss me who not overthink about everything and be chill.  What happened is giving me wound.  My heart is wounded.  And I need time.  I need time to heal.  I need time to be normal again.  Everyday I pray and pray and pray to be stronger.  And I believe, Jesus will give me strength to get through it.  What make it hard to moving on is when I still seeing stuff.  That stuff sometimes make me angry.  I mean, can you just shut up.  Your

I‘m still not 100% ok. Everyday, I still woke up with my heart beating so fast. But I am getting better. At least now I‘m sleep better, eating better and not crying every night anymore. To be honest, trying to moving on from this, is very hard. Every day I still have so many up and down. There‘s a day that I will crying after seeing stuff. And there‘s a day that I feel strong even if I seeing stuff. But now everything seems calmer. I hope this situation will remain calm like this. I wish, I really wish I can be openly talk what happened. But I cant. I wish I can tell people how hurt I am. How painful it is. How everyday I still have the nightmare. And I cant said anything to nobody. I am trying to deal with it. I‘m lucky that I have this blog so I can at least write here. Because this is the only place where I can be more honest with my feeling. All other social media that I own, too many eyes. I have my friends and families there. And I cant really said anything about this. So if you

Today writing here while having fever.  I'm just feeling super tired.  Not slept well. Not eat well.  I just want to rest now.  After awhile, finally can get a decent nap.  Maybe this fever coming to me from God as a way to make me resting.  So now, I will nap again.  Been napped for 3 hours today.  Such a record.  Because since last week I am basically can't slept, can't eat.  Too much stress.  And also because crying a lot la, so that's why double tired.  Let me resting today.  Freeing my mind from anything.  And just focus on my health. 

I'm still not 100% ok.  Everyday, there is something new that I find.  The more I find it, the more I feel my heart is bleeding.  But lips tight.  I'm not saying anything anymore.  I promise to just moving on.  I forgive.  But to forget is very hard.  I wish I just can close my eyes and forget things. But then I find, even in my dream it is haunted me.  Like I can't really run from it.  I'm hiding it from everyone around me.  No one really know if I'm in pieces.  I pretend like I'm ok.  But every night, I still cry.  Sometimes I feel angry.  Whenever I see that person start post sad things.  I feel really angry.  But then I realize, I can't control people feeling.  And I also realize, it is indeed painful for that person too.  It is just, you don't know how painful it is for me.  Like I said before...  It is running deep in me already.  I walk on this far away.  Far away more than what you imagine.  Like if you are me, I don't even think if you can h

I just want to write here. Just so you know, though you think it is easier for me. But in reality, I have hard time too. You wont know how many sleepless night that I've been through.  Or how many days, I woke up in tears and my heart racing.  Even until now.  I still not back normal yet.  I still sleep so little.  I still eat so little.  Basically, I do basic stuff just to survive.  You don't know the full story.  Why is this like this. Why choose this decision.  And maybe, you will never know the full story.  While for you it is a heart break.  For me, it is beyond just a heart break.  Because it is run deeply and far already.  More deeper than what you expect.  The disappointment that I feel, undescribeable.  Me too, here still trying to heal my heart.  Dressing my wound.  And learning to forgiving.  Which is so damn hard.  Everyday feels like a roller coaster for me.  There's a day where I can feel calm.  But in most day I am just calming down my self.  It is hard. Very

Tonight,  Again can't fall asleep.  It's been like this for a few days.  Even if I can get a sleep, still I will woke up in the middle of the night.  Heart beating fast.  And eventually tears will come down.  I sleep only because I'm too exhausted.  Once I get a lil bit sleep, my brain will decide to woke me up.  It is like my mind cant be rest.  Back then when this kind of things happen, then I will scream.  I will yell.  I will swore.  I will let all my emotion go out.  But now, maybe because it is more painful.  I can't even scream.  I can't yell.  Like I am suppressing all inside.  All I can do just crying.  I cried a lot.  Everytime at night I cried.  When I try to talk of stuff, I cried.  Like I just silently cried in my room.  And trying to comfort my self.  I am tired.  Very tired.  I can't sleep.  I have no appetite, I'm not eat well.  I eat for the sake of to pretend to everyone that nothing happened.  But if I want to be honest,  I'm not even

  Hi everyone.  I think nowadays, I rarely put my picture on my blog.  Actually, I barely take any picture unless I'm shoot video.  To be honest, I'm getting through something really hard now.  But I can't put the details on what actually happened.  I can't really describe my feeling.  I definitely sad and disappointed. A lot.  Don't ask how often I cried.  I cried almost all the time.  Whenever it is popping up on my head.  It is not that I deliberately trying too keep torturing myself.  But it is just pop up all the time.  Especially when my surrounding is quiet.  I questioning a lot of things.  I try to find, where I got wrong.  But in the end the answer still the same, I didn't do anything wrong.  Then I start questioning my self.  Is it because I'm getting old now?  Or maybe because I'm no longer attractive now?  Sometimes I feel like I'm so pathetic.  Night time is very hard.  I can't fall asleep.  And even if I fall asleep, I will suddenly

Hallo semuanya, Minggu ini posting 2x nih, sampai minggu depan masih bisa akan posting 2x. Setelah itu mungkin aku hanya akan posting 1x seminggu setiap hari jumat ya. Ok, so hari ini aku mau review skintint dari barenbliss. Kalau kalian belum tahu, barenbliss ini brand korea ya. Dan terus terang aku tertarik buat beli barenbliss skintint ini bukan karena dia viral atau apa. Tapi lebih ke karena kebanyakan nonton video youtuber luar yang pake skintint nya rare beauty punya selena gomez. Hasilnya kelihatan bagus banget, ga terlalu matte tapi juga ga terlalu basah/becek. Cuma kalo beli rare beauty kan mahal nih. Oleh karena itu aku searching buat skintint yang harganya lebih terjangkau dan ketemulah sama skintint barenbliss ini. Buat yang penasaran sama ingredientnya, bisa dilihat di foto di atas ya. Nah, kalau kalian penasaran sama tekstur, swatchnya bisa di tonton di video youtube aku ini ya. Overall, Aku suka banget sama skintint ini. Shade nya pas banget di kulitku, ga terlalu gelap

Hello everyone, Finally... Aku balik nulis lagi disini. Hari ini aku mau share koleksi tasku. Memang ga ada yang branded atau designer brand sih. Tas-tas yang aku share ini walaupun harganya terjangkau tapi kualitasnya bagus lho. Selain itu mereka juga produk lokal. Aku saat ini berusaha untuk lebih banyak support produk lokal. Entah itu make up, skincare, tas, baju, sebisa mungkin aku beli produk lokal. Memang aku ga bisa beli banyak sih karena duitnya terbatas, hehehe.... Tapi sebisa mungkin aku beli dan share, jadi ada awareness untuk brand-brand lokal ini. Kalau kalian mau lihat full koleksi apa aja yang aku punya, bisa tonton di youtoubeku ya. Kalau bisa sih support youtubeku juga, tapi kalau ga juga gpp sih..hehehe. Aku ada bucket bag, mini tote bag, flap bag dan handphone bag. Buat yang lagi cari-cari tas bisa ditonton, siapa tahu jadi ada ide buat beli. Ok deh, kayaknya sementara ini dulu. Nanti aku bakalan berusaha untuk posting blog lebih rutin ya. Thank you all.

Hi...  Hari ini cuma mau bikin pengumuman aja.  Di karenakan aku lagi banyak waktu dan berencana update blog 3x dalam seminggu mulai bulan Maret.  Mohon maaf juga karena bulan Januari - februari ga post apapun karena kebetulan aku sakit di pertengahan Januari dan baru pulih di pertengahan februari.  Ada beberapa topic yang bakalan sering di post dan aku tau orang bakal suka baca topik yang berbeda dari blogku.  Jadi mulai bulan  Maret,  Jadwal update blog adalah sebagai berikut: 1. Senin : Topik Bullet Journal (bujo)  2. Rabu  : Beauty (skincare, Make up, perfume/body mist)  3. Jumat : Adult Coloring (Mewarnai untuk orang dewasa) atau review buku.  So ada 4 topik yang bakalan sering dipost di blog ini.  Dan ke empat nya adalah passion aku.  Postingan lain di luar keempat topik itu akan di post random di hari-hari lain.  Karena yang pasti aku akan post juga mengenai hari-hari ku, mood, atau memories.  Dan aku janji, aku bakalan rapih kan tag di blog supaya kalian mudah kalau mau search

Hello everyone,  Here I am talking about covid 19 again.  To be honest, I'm no longer following covid 19 news again lately.  Because it make me stress and devastated.  The more I read news about covid, the more I get stress.  Back then I hope, after vaccine then everything get better.  But hey, I'm wrong.  After vaccine nothing really happen.  Covid still here and even mutate into Omicron Variant.  Great!!!!  Now, 2022. After 2 years battling with covid.  Is anything get better?  No.  Is covid finally gone?  No.  What we got after 2 years are series of lockdown and border close.  Yes. That's it.  Oh other things that coming with it, such as a lot of people losing their job.  And also a lot of people cant fly back home to meet family. Many small business died.  And personally for me, Covid fuck up my life.  It's eating my soul, alive.  If there's no covid or covid is handled well and everyone can fly, no expensive quarantine.  I don't really think I will be as de

Hello teman-teman semua,  Sebenernya ada postingan lain yang aku mau post sebelum postingan ini.  Cuma kayaknya ini lebih penting untuk di share, jadi aku bikin post ini buat naik duluan.  Tada....  Ini haul aku buat SAS bulan Januari ini.  Di SAS kali ini aku grab 3 body mist.  Full size Marigold and Cane sugar, Full Size Open Sky, Travel Size Winter Candy Apple.  Dan dari ketiganya yang paling favorit open sky.  Ga tau kenapa ada yang review negatif open sky, karena menurutku beneran enak.  Tapi namanya fragrance kan balik lagi ke selera ya.  SAS kali ini ga beli banyak karena, harus mulai berhemat.  Karena per Januari aku resign dari pekerjaanku.  Nanti kalau udah ada sumber penghasilan lagi baru bisa beli agak banyak pas SAS Summer.  Buat yang pada penasaran, SAS itu Semi Annual Sale.  Jadi pas SAS ini harga produk di Bath and Body Works biasanya tinggal setengah harga.  Mereka diskon 50%, jadi cocok buat yang mau stock.  Cuma stock yang di sale ga semua lah.  Dan ketersediannya be

  Hi,  I'm listening to 60 Minutes Worship tonight.  Not finish yet, but will finish it later.  I usually listen on it at office while I did my work.  It help me a lot.  Remind me that even though things seems uncertain for me, God will never leave me alone.  And I know, that God have beautiful plan for me ahead.  To be honest, I'm still trying to do night prayer regularly.  I pray before sleep but it is more of before sleep prayer.  So I try to do night prayer more now.  Sometimes when I do night prayer, I will end up cry in my pray.  Because I do feel my heart is very heavy.  And when I pray, I talk to God, my Father in the heaven.  I talk about everything and that make me cry, as I'm unloading my heavy heart burden.  As for now, I'm doing good.  Still up and down la.  Some days I'm ok, some days I'm feeling down.  I'm still trying hard to not feeling this way anymore.  But this is hard. Very hard.  Because my main problem, my main cause of stress not solv

Hello semuanya,  Hari ini aku mau share body mist dengan wangi gourmand atau wangi kue, yang jadi favoritku sepanjang 2021. Kalau ada yang lebih suka wangi fruity atau wangi bunga, di tunggu di postingan selanjutnya ya.  Nanti aku post body mist dengan wangi fruity dan bunga yang jadi favoritku di 2021. Ada 5 body mist dengan wangi gourmand yang aku favoritkan di tahun 2021 lalu.  Dan karena favorit, itu kalau kalian intip isinya sebenernya pada kurang dari setengah...haha...  Hampir tiap hari dipake soalnya.  Pertama aku mau bahas dari yang range harganya rada mahal dulu ya.  Bath and body work ini kalau pencinta body mist dan parfume harusnya udah ga asing lagi.  Harganya kalo lagi ga ada diskon rata-rata 299k - 359k. Tapi mereka sering bikin mix and match, beli 3 gratis 1 atau beli 2 gratis 1. Atau kalau ga, bisa stock pas lagi ada body care diskon atau body mist diskon.  Soalnya harganya bisa drop ke 150k - 179k per botol.  Untung banget kan, dapet setengah harga.  Untuk tahun 2021

Hi,  Like you all know, I have trackers on my bujo.  I track my skincare, my vitamins, my mood, my sleep.  And I'm actually a bit freak out now.  I mean, even if I didn't really express or showing it to people but my mood tracker is really bad.  Look at that.  We are just in first week of january but my mood tracker look that bad.  To make you understand how to read it.  Green = Happy Orange = Flat (Not Happy but Not Sad either)  Yellow = Sad And as you see in 7 days only, 5 of it in yellow color.  That's really make me scared.  Did something wrong happen with me?  Or I just being a drama queen that sad for almost every day?  One of the reason why I quit my job also because of this.  Because I feel sad almost every day and of course I don't want people see it, in the end it is affecting me at work.  I didn't really feel like 100%. If you really want to know, all day I just want to be on my bed and sleep.  Which is not really happening too because almost every day I

Hi everyone,  Today I'm sad.  I know some people just can't ever take the truth and the way they will defend themself are by twisting truth.  But I just never know if it went that far.  Someone bad mouthing about me.  Claiming herself as a victim.  When actually, she is not!  She just fake.  But people buy her story.  It's ok.  Will be finish in 2 days.  Then bye bye all shit.  There were good time.  A lot memories and experience.  Just some people is cant take the truth, cant accept mistake they did.  Very human.  Blaming others for their own incapability.  Anyway that's not thing that I want to talk about today.  Actually, I'm about to share something that I bought to help me calm down and reducing stress.  Tada.....  I bought adult coloring book, Me & my color art.  I always like coloring.  But never know if there is coloring book for adult (sigh, feels like just come out from the cave...haha...).  So when I find if actually there is coloring book for adult,

Hello Everyone,  Apa kabar?  Kabarku hari ini baik.  Happy, ga juga. Tapi juga ga sedih sih.  Jadi bisa di bilang moodnya flat.  Anyways, hari ini mau share menu dinner aku 2 hari yang lalu.  Kepiting Mentega Bawang atau Garlic Butter Crab.  Jadi awalnya tuh ngeliat post status WA temenku ndun.  Dia post kepiting asam manis. Dan entah kenapa tiba-tiba aku juga tergiur pengen makan kepiting buat dinner...hahaha..  Karena ga mungkin juga masak kepiting kan, jadi beli kepiting mateng aja pake gojek.  Dan karena aku paling suka kalo di masak garlic butter, jadi pilih yang saus mentega bawang.  Jeng...Jeng...Jeng...  Inilah penampakannya kepiting mentega bawang.  Emang sih kelihatan biasa aja, tapi enak....  Apalagi di makan pake nasi anget-anget, uh....Yummy. Dan selesai.  Cuma mau cerita ini aja sih sebenernya.  Fotonya juga cuma 1 aja karena awalnya foto karena asal foto aja.  Ga ada niatan mau dijadiin blog post.  Cuma karena hari ini pengen cerita-cerita di blog, maka terjadilah postin

Hi everyone,  Hari ini aku mau share "whats in my bag?" Atau dalam bahasa indonesia "Ada apa di dalam tasku?". Btw, ini tas yang sekarang lagi sering aku pakai ya.  Bukan tas kerja, kalau kerja aku pakai ransel (karena naik gojek).  Agak ribet kalo kerja pake tas kecil gini.  Anyways, tasku ini dari Les Catino. Harganya juga murah, beli pas ada diskon 2 tas Rp 199k. Ini bukan iklan/endorse ya, beli pakai uang sendiri.  Cuma mau share aja.  Seperti biasa karena lagi pandemi maka selalu bawa hand sanitizer.  Di dalam tas yang ga pernah lupa di bawa tissue basah, tissue kering, dompet kartu, masker cadangan.  Sebenarnya kalo hand sanitizer sebelum pandemi juga selalu bawa sih.  Tapi sekarang lebih lagi, ga pernah ketinggalan.  Kalau dompet sekarang jarang bawa, karena jarang punya duit cash.  Palingan bawa dompet kartu aja karena kan ga mungkin kalau ga bawa KTP atau kartu peduli lindungi.  Dan udah sih itu aja.  Udah ga pernah bawa make up bag lagi.  Semenjak harus pa

Happy New Year Everyone.  I cant believe time goes so fast and today is 2022 already.  My new year eve nothing special.  But I feel a lot more calmer now and not as hysterical as before.  Which means I no longer crying all the time and start using my brain to think about productive things.  Anyway, I want to share with you my bullet journal (bujo) 2022 setup.  I just start again this year and bujo help me reduce stress.  While I setting it up, somehow it reducing my stress.  I want to be more organize so I decided using bullet journal.  I cant really function with digital planner.  I remember more if I write it, rather than typing it on phone (weird and old school, I know..).  And what I like with bujo is I can make it very personal.  I can put anything that I want in it.  Plus, as I'm not an aesthetic person, my bujo will be more of something that organize my mind and time.  Because I always have so much ideas and things to do in my head.  But my head only can be too crowded and s