Grieving

Tonight, 

Again can't fall asleep. 

It's been like this for a few days. 

Even if I can get a sleep, still I will woke up in the middle of the night. 

Heart beating fast. 

And eventually tears will come down. 

I sleep only because I'm too exhausted. 

Once I get a lil bit sleep, my brain will decide to woke me up. 

It is like my mind cant be rest. 

Back then when this kind of things happen, then

I will scream. 

I will yell. 

I will swore. 

I will let all my emotion go out. 

But now, maybe because it is more painful. 

I can't even scream. 

I can't yell. 

Like I am suppressing all inside. 

All I can do just crying. 

I cried a lot. 

Everytime at night I cried. 

When I try to talk of stuff, I cried. 

Like I just silently cried in my room. 

And trying to comfort my self. 

I am tired. 

Very tired. 

I can't sleep. 

I have no appetite, I'm not eat well. 

I eat for the sake of to pretend to everyone that nothing happened. 

But if I want to be honest, 

I'm not even can feel if I'm hungry. 

I know if I can't living my life this way. 

I know I have to stand up again. 

I tried, I really tried hard. 

But now I'm still grieving. 

I'm still trying to let go all the bitterness in my heart. 

People might see me smiling. 

They might see me laugh. 

They might see me still make a joke like usual. 

But they never know, if actually I still try to mend my broken heart. 

When I listen to worship song. 

I cant even listen it or sing along without crying. 

I cried the most when I pray. 

Or when I listen into worship song. 

All of this will pass away.