Just so you know

I just want to write here.

Just so you know, though you think it is easier for me.

But in reality, I have hard time too.

You wont know how many sleepless night that I've been through. 

Or how many days, I woke up in tears and my heart racing. 

Even until now. 

I still not back normal yet. 

I still sleep so little. 

I still eat so little. 

Basically, I do basic stuff just to survive. 

You don't know the full story. 

Why is this like this.

Why choose this decision. 

And maybe, you will never know the full story. 

While for you it is a heart break. 

For me, it is beyond just a heart break. 

Because it is run deeply and far already. 

More deeper than what you expect. 

The disappointment that I feel, undescribeable. 

Me too, here still trying to heal my heart. 

Dressing my wound. 

And learning to forgiving. 

Which is so damn hard. 

Everyday feels like a roller coaster for me. 

There's a day where I can feel calm. 

But in most day I am just calming down my self. 

It is hard. Very hard. 

I take this period of time as a time where God will molding me. 

Into a better person. 

What I am trying to do now just dealing with the pain. 

Then I try to not looking back and moving on. 

It is bitter reality. 

But I have to swallow it. 

Because there is no other way to deal with it. 

So. 

Hope everyone involved really leave everything behind. 

No more lies. 

No more secret. 

No more heart ache. 

Please give me the confident that it is over. 

And it wont back. No matter what. 

So that I can heal myself faster and moving forward too.